Beggars Trying to be Choosers

OkCupid.com user belladolce has never looked in a mirror:

Lately I've been getting some pressure from an old flame to hang out with him and I've been too chicken to tell him that I just don't want to see him anymore.

More like "I might as well hang out with him because I'm too ugly to be picky."

Dumb Move

Great job on driving drunk. You could've killed somebody.

Ashley Naylon is a Bitch

Ashley, you're a piece of shit. I don't know why anyone likes you, or why you think you can be so picky. You're taller than most men, and you have a big, square, manly jaw. You should be grateful anyone would want a beast like you.

I'm glad you joined the National Guard, because that means you could get sent to Iraq, and Al-Qaeda could capture you and saw your head off on video. That would be the funniest thing ever.

This Poem Sucks

This poem was written by a young woman on MySpace.

My heart

COVER IT IN DIRT.
THROW SALT ON THE WOUNDS.
BOUND IT WITH WIRE.
LOCK IT BY A KEY.
BURY IT DOWN DEEP.
SO NO ONE CAN SEE.
KEEP IT HELD TIGHT.
CLOSE TO MY CHEST.
I WILL ALWAYS PROTECT IT.
I WILL NEVER REST.
THE LOVE IS GONE.
NOT A SINGLE TEAR.
JUST BROKEN HEART.
AND AN EMPTY MESS.

Typical girls write shit like this when they're twelve or thirteen, but this one is about two months shy of 24. Any grown woman who writes embarrassing poetry after her boyfriend cheats on her needs to get out more.

If I had read this without seeing the woman who wrote it, I would expect her to be an ugly troll who scribbled it after finding out that the man she has been stalking just filed a restraining order against her.

Off Meds

Today, the Dixon Telegraph printed a letter from Ann Stover, who apparently suffers from dementia. Try to read it without wanting the woman committed to a mental institution.

America's bridges are falling down. Our infrastructures are in grave danger and our jobs are on the endangered list.

As I watched that 40-year-old bridge fall, I was reminded of a song written back then. It tells how "our enemies are distorting and blowing up our mistakes. They've been putting steel wedges in the cracks in our walls of solid earth."

It's time to stop paying people to look the other way if a bridge or dam is unsafe. Let's rebuild our towns that have been flattened by recent storms. We must get the "lead" out and bring our factories back to America.

Look at how many jobs could be created just by doing these three things. Once again, we could read a label that says "made with pride in the USA."

Until we have made America as strong as she once was, we must stop helping other countries. Why help people when all they do is turn around and hang a "kick me" sign on our backs?

Perhaps it's time for a new Boston Tea Party.

This letter is so disjointed and pointless that Stover must've written it with her own bloody feces while her government-appointed handler wasn't looking.

Every newspaper probably receives screeds like this all the time. Another crazy person who regularly writes to this particular newspaper is Mildred Simo, whose letters always include nutty God crap. Any future scrawls from Stover, Simo, and other psychos will be in this blog!

New Zealand Has Testicles

The United States aren't the only country with any respect for the right to defend oneself. Hopefully the nation will respect that right outside of one's own property soon enough. At least New Zealand isn't entirely a nation of pussies, unlike Australia and the United Kingdom.

The National Rifle Association had a link to this article on its website. Perhaps the NRA is active in New Zealand. It played a big part in overwhelmingly defeating the handgun ban referendum in Brazil.

Annie's Bourgeois Mailbox

Annie's Mailbox is a magnet for stupidity. It seems Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar will answer any question as long as it isn't about Howard Stern's penis.

Why in the heck do you advice columnists always assume everyone under the sun will benefit from counseling? It's not free, it's not cheap, and many people don't even have medical insurance. Counseling is for a privileged few.

That's true if by "privileged few" she means "anyone with a job." The columnists kindly inform the clueless reader that not all counseling is expensive, but it's hard not to wish they had told her to go to Cuba and rot.